I didn't handle myself very well today. I yelled. I screamed. I cried. I know he looks to me for stability. I can't give it to him. I can't make it better. Do you know what it is like not to be able to help, comfort or heal your child? This is changing me. It is hardening me. Why on earth does our little boy have to be sick. That is what it is. It is a illness. I am SO ready to give up. Throw in the towel. Wave the white flag. How does one give up on their child you ask? I don't know. But I am so close. I am afraid of what it is doing to my other babies. It is changing and forming them to. I SO want to find some peace. I so want to be normal, as normal as a family of 6 can be. I am tired. I am tired of doing this on my own. I want my husband home. I want some help. I can't do it all on my own.
After treating Koley poorly this evening I found myself in the garage working on some projects and such. They were all in bed and it is truly the only time I can get ANYTHING done. Koley is missing two library books from school, they need them back this week as it is the last week of school. He told me that they were in his bag from St. Vincents. Ask me why I haven't unpacked his bags from St. Vincent's? He's been home for over a month and half of his wardrobe is in a trash bag in the garage. Call it fear, call it me in the glass is half empty mode. I found one of the two books. I also found a notebook. I of course flipped through it and found the following note. There isn't a date but I was between the time brody was born and before we gave lulu away.
I don't know how well you can read his writing. It is rough but it says...
"i love mom and i miss you much
i want to go home
and i want to go home tonight out of here
and i like the new baby boy
and i miss my like angel girl
and i miss my mom and dady and abbie
i love the new baby
mom i want to go home"
Bless his heart. Koley is a very manipulative, cunning child. He knows just the right things to say. But this note was written on his own, his own thoughts, his own fears and concerns. Seriously. How much damage have I and am I doing to this child?
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3 comments:
oh erin.
i am so very sorry. you have no idea how my heart cries at your pain, your stress, your fear, and your love.
that note chilled me. i found one like that written by my mom, in the back of her bible. she cried to God about not finding love and being a broken woman. reading that broke a part of me. i know it can't even compare to your situation with your son and baby boy, but i know how it is to read the inner thoughts of someone you love and be brought to your knees.
you are not a bad mother. you are not you are not you are NOT! you have shown more patience, understanding, perseverance, acceptance and love of your child than many parents do of their kids who aren't ill.
you have been given a burden that has been asked of you and your family that is so great, most of us would quake and shiver and break down were it upon us. and you are bearing it, even in your weakest moments, you have not given up and you continue to have hope and faith, i know it is in your heart.
i dont say that to flatter you or build you up, i just say it because it is true. because sometimes we need to hear that even when we feel lost in the darkness, we are still doing okay.
i wish that sean could be home more. i wish that things in life weren't so hard for your family. i wish and pray with all my heart that you are able to find peace and a healthy son.
Oh my gosh, Erin. I am crying. I am so sorry. I just wanted to send some extra hugs your way.
You are a strong and amazing woman. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is you and your entire family are going through. Just know that I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish so much that Kole was healthy.
I'm sending you lots of hugs.
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